


I wish I could say how thankful I am

by RaccoonBot



Category: League of Legends RPF
Genre: AU, Established Relationship, M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-07-19
Updated: 2016-08-05
Packaged: 2018-07-25 12:11:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,500
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7532248
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RaccoonBot/pseuds/RaccoonBot
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A story of domestic life and dealing with trauma.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**_Forward._ **

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**_Forward._ **

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**_Just move forward._ **

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**_It will all be ok._ **

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**_Move._ **

_Sam tried to crawl forward. Place one hand further, drag himself onwards. He felt the raindrops falling on him, his uniform soaking wet, but he could not hear them. An overwhelming buzzing sound was still echoing in his ears. His body sunk into the muddy ground around him._

_A strange urgency to move, move forwards, drove Sam. He again made attempts to get up, but his legs were too heavy. His left one failing to react to any commands he’d issue._

_He slowly tried to raise his head up, eventually succeeding. Sam opened his eyes, struggling at first. He saw a body in front of him, one hand seemingly reaching for him. Sam dragged himself on, trying to maneuver around the hurdles of sandbags and metal shards between him and his destination. The body was only a few meters away._

_“I’ll make it. I’ll make it!”_

_Sam saw a blink of light and a green object fall next to the body._

**_No_ **

**_Please no_ **

_He tried to duck behind a hurdle he had tried to overcome. The buzzing sound stopped, only to give its place to a roaring explosion. Sam felt the shockwave rush past him, followed by a wave of mud and bloody flesh._

**_Please_ **

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Sam quickly sprung up from underneath his blanket. He was wheezing, muscles tensed, eyes struggling to make out the strange forms in the darkness. A few moments passed and a body next to him moved. Sam heard Josh sigh silently and get up. Soon he felt his lover’s hand gently land on his shoulder, Josh clearly trying his best not to startle Sam.  
  


“It’s all ok, you’re here with me. _Safe._ ” Josh sleepily mused.

Sam felt Josh slowly use his hand to turn Sam’s face towards Josh. Their eyes met and held contact until Sam’s breathing normalized. Once it did Josh grabbed Sam closer, letting the man’s face rest on his chest, feeling his loved one start to sob.

They stayed like this for a few minutes. Josh calmly petting Sam’s hair, while Sam slowly calmed down.

Once he did he gave a ‘thank you’ nod and they returned to laying on their bed. Josh hugging Sam, as if he was scared to let go. Both of them drifting to sleep.

 

 

When Sam woke up, the sunlight was already seeping in through the curtains. He felt an emptiness next to himself and realized Josh had already gotten up. After contemplating whether he wanted more to eat breakfast or enjoy the warm embrace of blankets and pillows, he got up. Sam made his way downstairs, lured by a familiar smell.

Once he entered the kitchen he was greeted by a beautiful sight of Josh cooking breakfast in almost the same outfit he was sleeping in – a plain white T-shirt and grey boxers. But he also added a green apron to it now. Sam approached him, slowly wrapping his hands around Josh’s waist and nuzzling his collarbone. It was Sam’s way of saying ‘good morning’.

“Good morning to you too” Josh mused as he was flipping the omelet.

“You’ll have to wash the dishes today, I’ve got to be at work soon” he continued as Sam let out an ‘mmhm’ in agreement.

Soon they carried their plates of food into the terrace, Sam snatching his whiteboard for writing, in case he wanted to tell Josh something. The two settled down next to the small wooden table, enjoying the morning sunlight and warm food.

Sam as always felt guilty. Even though Josh was working fulltime, he still found time to take care of him, greeting him in the morning with breakfast almost every time. Sam had tried to ‘repay’ his boyfriend. Whether by cooking himself or by doing more ‘work’ in bed and he figured today would be a good chance as well. He grabbed his whiteboard and wrote down a quick question:

“ _What would you like for dinner?”_

He turned the board around so that Josh could read and munched on a bit of omelet in the meanwhile.

“Isn’t it a bit too early to talk about dinner at breakfast?” Josh smirked, “Besides, remember, the doctor told you to take as much time off to rest and relax for a few months.”

Sam rolled his eyes and grabbed the whiteboard to write down a reply:

“ _I won’t be exhausted from making dinner. I feel guilty when you work all the time and I do nothing”_

Josh took his time in finding the words to reply with.

“If you really want to – fine. But take care of yourself. And don’t feel guilty you’ve worked far more than a month or two of cooking.” He eventually muttered.

Sam took the whiteboard again:

“ _You still didn’t tell me what you’d like.”_

 _“_ Oh, sorry, hm… I’m really feeling… Pasta? There’s some chicken in the fridge if you want to do something with that and I think some dried tomatoes?..” Josh suggested.

“ _Will be done”_ Sam wrote down with a smile.

“Good luck chef!” Josh exclaimed as he got up from the table and walked over to Sam to give him a peck on the forehead: “I’ll go get dressed now.”

Sam nodded in reply and gleefully observed Josh’s backside and boxer outlined butt, as he carried his plate back to the kitchen. Sam slowly finished his food, enjoying the early morning light. He tried to organize his plans for today, but soon realized how foolish it was. The only plan he had was to make dinner for 6 p.m. He figured he’d read a book, workout and maybe watch the TV during the 10 hour downtime in between.

Eventually Sam got up and went to wash the dishes as he heard Josh get dressed upstairs. Once both of them finished their task they met downstairs, Sam carrying his whiteboard and marker with him. Josh looked gorgeous and too official for Sam’s taste in his business suit.

“I should be back at 6 as always, unless Steve needs me for something more again, but I’ll call you if so okay?” Josh asked with a lot of fatherly care in his eyes.

Sam quickly scribbled down a reply:  
_“Okay, good luck and be safe_ _♥_ _”_

Josh smiled and leaned in to kiss him.

“You too, babe.” He said, opened the door and went through it.

As the door closed, loneliness hit Sam again.

He wandered through the corridors and rooms, not really sure what to do until he realized he hadn’t brushed his teeth yet. So he made his way upstairs, grabbing his phone and a book he had started as well. Once he brushed his teeth, Sam decided he wanted to shower too, so he did, taking his time to enjoy the warm water tracing his body. When he finished showering and the cold air started to raise goosebumps on his hands, Sam went to get dressed.

It still all felt so surreal. There was no hurry, no set routine, he could forget things and nothing would really happen. Sam remembered one time he forgot to get dressed and spent the entire day in his boxers without ever putting on a shirt despite the house being sweater temperature. Josh came back and scolded him a bit, asking him to take care of himself. Nowadays Sam managed it a bit better. He guessed he was actually healing. Though the nightmares continued to haunt him all the same.

Sam took his book and went back to bed to read. It was a novel. Nothing too special, but realistically sweet. Josh had made sure to buy all the optimistic and supportive books. He even removed any book about war, gunshots or anything else that could ‘trigger’ Sam from the bookshelves. Although he was very thankful for Josh’s efforts to care for him and sometimes wondered what he would do without his husband, Sam was a bit tired of the fatherly approach. Despite the trauma the war gave him, he felt he was still strong enough by now to not go into fetal position and start sobbing every time he saw something with the word ‘war’ in it.

Then again, there were moments where Sam did feel like he had to run or hide. He heard the gunshots and explosions in his ears and his body assumed a defensive position out of habit. He’d look at objects and think whether or not they were a good cover. And sometimes he would even randomly remember the moment that hurt him the most. At that point he did often assume the fetal position and started shaking until Josh managed to calm him down.

_“No”_

Sam decided he really couldn’t be angry at Josh for being overbearing. He knew he needed it. Sam was so angry he couldn’t express how thankful he really was. How thankful he was he could wake up every morning and see Josh, touch him. He had been denied that for years. Sometimes he thought he’d never get a chance again. He remember how he spent an entire night crying tears of joy when he heard Josh was ok and that Sam was going back. He was going back to live together. And even if he was still haunted, Sam knew he’d get through it.

How could he not when he has Josh with him?


	2. Chapter 2

Most people have probably seen some inspirational quotes for teenagers. How they should make the most of their free time now, because when they grow older they won’t have much to do anything. Sam had seen them too. However, now he was in a situation, where he had hours upon hours of time, with nothing to do.

After Josh left in the morning he read the new novel he had picked up, churning through the last two hundred pages. It was an intriguing story and Sam enjoyed reading it, but once he was done he felt lost again. He thought about the dinner he promised and mixed up some marinate for the chicken, making sure he didn’t overdose it with salt. Once he put the chicken back in the fridge Sam turned on the TV. Checking out the channels, jumping past everything as he once saw bored people do. Eventually Sam settled down for some crazy show about aliens.

Surprisingly he had a good giggle, looking at strange scientists with even stranger haircuts talk how the Pyramids of Egypt are clearly lighthouses for aliens. The episode was over soon and Sam decided he had nothing better to do anyways, so he went to the previous one.

Three hours later his mind was buzzing with crazy theories and coincidences. While Sam was still not convinced by anything, the show did its job of sowing a seed of doubt in his mind. Upon checking the time he realized he still had just about an hour, maybe even less till Josh would be back. The sun had already begun its journey downwards, and so hopefully Josh began his, back home.

Sam took out the chicken from the fridge, figuring it’d have to warm up anyways. It was still too early to start preparing the dinner though, so he wandered the house aimlessly. Sick of TV shows and not in the mood to browse internet he eventually ended up in front of their large bookcase.

He scanned through the sections looking for something that could catch his eye. Most of the books were from his or Josh’s childhoods. Some were gifted by friends and others by relatives. There were even plenty of souvenirs from their respective childhoods. Sam inspected the small figure of Krakatoa. Had Josh really visited it? Thinking about it, Sam figured he probably did. He knew Josh’s dad had plenty of business ventures, taking his family with him. It was probably quite reasonable for them to have been in Indonesia too.

Slowly Sam looked past the figures, there were some childhood pictures too. He found Josh so adorable, looking at him laughing in the crystal water of a river or trying to pretend to be a dinosaur in a costume his parents had dressed him in. Sam felt a tinge of jealousy, his parents never had the money for costumes or fancy toys. But then again, the fishing trips he had with his dad were so wonderful.

Another picture showed Sam on a swing reaching out with his hand for the camera.

_How cute_

Sam decided to take the picture in his hand to get a closer look, trying to figure out how old was he when it was taken? 7? 6? Probably sometime around then.

_My lips look exactly the same. And eyes. The hair really needed some work though._

Suddenly Sam heard a strange creak. He quickly turned around ready to defend himself.

But there was no one else in the hallway, just the sound of glass breaking. Sam looked down and saw the glass case of the photo shattered into pieces. He cursed himself. The creak was most likely the wood creaking. The stairs were old anyways.

He kneeled down, trying to pick the pieces back together. Before he could realize how stupid that idea was, he had already cut his finger. The crimson blood was pouring out, painting his finger and later his palm red.

Sam couldn’t move for some reason. He was mesmerized by the blood, gazing at it flow. He felt his muscles tense reflexively, his head became heavy and he assumed a defensive position near the bookshelf as his mind buried itself into memories again.

 

 

* * *

 

 

**_Forward_ **

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**_Move forward_ **

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_Sam was **there** again. His mind still buzzing and not cooperating. His body following the only order to move forward. Crawling onwards through the mud and shattered pieces of rubble and metal. He turned his head and saw bodies upon bodies lying in the field. His mind struggled to realize who they were._

_After gazing at a single uniform for a particularly long time he managed to make out a name from the card on it:_

**_Josh_ **

_The name caused him so much terror for some reason. Sam crawled toward the body feeling an urge to protect it._

**_Josh Stevens_ **

_Something seemed off about the last name but Sam couldn’t spare it a thought. He dragged himself onwards, trying his hardest to reach the body. The mud around him slowed his movements. Sam tried to move himself faster but his left leg didn’t move at all. He couldn’t understand why, but the urgency to reach the body drove him._

**_Reach Josh_ **

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**_Help_ **

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_He saw the same green object fall next to the body. Sam’s mind told him it was a grenade but he couldn’t figure out what it was at the moment. His body seemed to know however, turning to the side and trying to crawl behind a piece of metal he avoided before._

**_Please no_ **

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**_Please_ **

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_He closed his eyes as he felt the explosion wash through, hot mud and flesh raining around him. He opened his eyes to be greeted by a detached arm. It had landed right next to his face, blood still running out of wounds, one side of it burnt black._

_Sam looked past it and saw men approaching in the distance. He couldn’t make out who they were. He did see another body move. Saw a hand reach up for help. One of the men shot it without a moment of hesitation and the hand fell. Sam felt the need to run but his legs wouldn’t move. His heart was pumping loud, he felt fear crawling up his skin._

_The men approached him and Sam felt his sight darken._

_He felt engulfed by the darkness and terror._

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**_Please, no, not Josh_ **

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Josh was always joyful when he could go home. He figured most people probably were. Then again his job wasn’t bad. He quite enjoyed it really. It payed well, wasn’t too difficult and his coworkers we’re okay most of the time.

But he always wanted to be home. Ever since he and Sam met he would always hurry to return home, to him.

He felt horrible when Sam got drafted. He’d stay awake for nights on, thinking if Sam was okay. The skype calls they had were wonderful, but far and wide between. And even during them Josh got sadder and sadder. Despite how optimistic both of them were trying to be, Josh saw Sam getting darker and more distant every day. Some days when he didn’t have much time cleanup he looked downright horrible. Sweat, blood, hair stuck to the forehead. Josh knew Sam rushed to the computers the second he was back from the field and called Josh.

Sam would always tell some little funny tale of what the High Command said, or what some other soldier did. Then he’d ask Josh how his day went and he’d reply with some generic answers. The talking was mostly meaningless. Josh knew they were both glad to see each other’s faces, safe and sound. Even though with an increasing amount of bruises or scars on Sam’s, Josh was thankful. Because Sam was still alive. He would comeback.

And then Sam didn’t call him for a day. Josh panicked and called whatever contacts he knew. The administration just told him to stay and wait for news. He soon found out there had been a large battle, one he knew Sam was involved in.

He couldn’t sleep that night. He called sick for work and spent the entire day looking for news and trying to call in. Eventually he managed to find the contacts of a soldier’s wife. A certain soldier he knew was friends with Sam. The wife told him her husband was safe and sound and arranged a call for them. Josh found out from his Sam was MIA. He thanked the man for his help and dropped the call.

The next few days went like a blur. Josh would call all the numbers he could, follow all the news channels, all the internet sites. After three days he found records of Samson Jackson at a nearby field hospital. He was in critical condition but still alive. He asked the doctor if they could see each other via Skype or something else. The man informed him with sadness in his voice that Sam couldn’t speak. He said they thought it was psychological and that they weren’t sure when he could speak again.

When Josh finally saw Sam, the guy was lying on the hospital bed all patched up. His eyes seemed empty and purposeless, but when they saw each other something lit up. It looked like Sam had seen both a ghost and something completely unbelievably beautiful. His eyes teared up and soon so did Josh’s.

Even though Sam was acting different from the first few days, since he was him that day in the hospital he looked completely broken. Josh was terrified. He didn’t know whether Sam could ever be the same. The same adorable, constantly laughing dork, who managed to charm him by falling down on him and dropping them both in a pool.

When Sam returned home, Josh would feel the urge to return home much more than he did before. He couldn’t wait to wrap his arms around Sam and hug him tight. Hoping to protect him from the tricks his mind would play on him.

 

 

Today was no different. The second his boss said Josh could go he packed things up and rushed home. He quickly shopped at the nearby store, making sure to get all the things he knew Sam loved and without wasting more than 10 minutes was on his way home.

Once he got there and took the shopping bags out for the car Josh felt a bit confused. Normally Sam didn’t have anything to do and was already there waiting for him to come back, ready to help with carrying things the second Josh parked.

_Maybe he’s cooking dinner already? Or maybe he got into one of the games I suggested he should play?_

Josh payed it no mind and fished out a key from his pocket. After struggling a bit with the door he got inside. He closed the door, put down the bags and hanged his coat. Still not a sound.

_“Babe?”_

Josh didn’t hear a reply so he picked up his bags and started walking down the hallway confused. Suddenly he understood.

Josh put his shopping bags down next to the wall, kneeled down next to Sam and bumped his head against Sam’s shoulder.

Sam jumped up suddenly, awoken from his mind, Josh could feel his entire body tense up. Sam turned his head in fear, but when his teary, red eyes saw Josh he just broke down into tears again. He grabbed Josh, burying his face in his chest. Josh replies by wrapping one hand around Sam’s back, clutching the man closer to him, petting his hair.

_“It’s okay, I’m here, everything is okay.”_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ayy, thank you so much for reading this! I hope you liked it as much as I enjoyed writing it!  
> Thank you very much to ciseaux for betaing this mess and to a few special people for dealing with me and helping refine ideas <3  
> Please do comment if you liked or disliked the fic, and don't shy away from saying why!

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you very much for reading my work!  
> Please do comment about what you enjoyed or disliked!
> 
> A special thank you to ciseaux for beta reading <3


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